It’s been while...

Hi Friends,

It's been a while since I've been here - sitting at my computer and writing down what is on my mind and my heart. I've been feeling stuck for weeks, unsure of what to do, questioning my motives, wondering if there is a point to this. I want to write and share what I am thinking and feeling in the hope that it will resonate with someone and spark in them some hope, reassurance, inspiration, reflection - whatever it is that they need. But my head is jumbled mess and my heart is weary. I am feeling drained. Not much has been inspiring me. It's like the cabin fever has given way to apathy and listlessness. It was my birthday last week, and when asked what I wanted, I answered honestly: nothing. I just want to be left alone. Not in a bitter, 'if I can't celebrate the way I want to, I don't want to celebrate at all', but a 'I need space to breathe'.

I think that is the best way to sum up how I am feeling - I need space to breathe.

I need fresh air, and a fresh perspective.

I need room to express and feel and grieve and wonder and cry and pray and shout and scream and weep and all the things.

A part of me wants to correct myself here. 'Stacey, you are not working, you are at home all day, and have basically no responsibilities. What do you mean you need space?'

My response?

It is because of those very things that I need the space. It is the perceived lack of responsibility that makes me feel like I have no right to be struggling right now. It is the perceived freedom that is keeping me from being honest about how heavy my heart is feeling.

And because of the space that I was granted by my loving family and friends, I feel like I am just now starting to reconnect my head and my heart. I am starting to recognizing the signs that my head and my heart have been sending me, and have more room for grace for myself.

Did I break the chain on a bunch of habits I started back in December? You bet.

Did I beat myself up about it quite thoroughly? Absolutely.

Have I forgiven myself? Yeah, I have. It took some time and some space and some serious resilience, but I am picking myself back up, dusting myself off, telling those lies I believe about myself to get lost, and getting back on the horse.

Then I looked up. I have this sticky note on my white board in front of me that says: 'It doesn't need to be perfect. It just needs to be started'. And for some reason, that is hitting differently today.

Perfect is this big scary goal that a part of me is always desperate to achieve, and yet afraid to reach for. The getting started feels a bit like falling down that rabbit hole. And that rabbit hole is deep and dark and scary. And yet, when I let myself breathe in this space that I have been given, a part of me enjoys the thrill and the challenge. I am reminded of the kind and lovely things people have said about my writing and a feel a small spark ignite within me. So I take the first small (and scary) step to let my heart speak through these words unfiltered.

It is theses small steps, these small wins, that are going to get me through the next however many months crisis is going to continue. Small wins like writing a few thoughts down when I have a bucket load in my head that I am not quite ready to share with the world. Small wins like hitting publish even though this post feels pretty pointless and vague.

It is now that I remind myself: It doesn't have to be perfect. I just needs to be started.